Foul Potpouri: My Throughts Stink This Week

11:47 AM

I've always been more of a "the glass is half full" kind of girl. I like the rain. Oh, plans changed? Great! I'll watch Big Bang tonight. I ran out of cereal? No big thing. I've got cookies.

Breakfast of champions.
Shameful. I'm pretending that I even bought cereal in the first place. Like Lance Armstrong, I'm fabricating. And poorly. I knew it would be cookies for breakfast the minute Ryan walked in the door with the container.

I can honestly say, however, I was not doping. Only chocolate-chipping.
___
Anyway, I can pretty typically roll with the punches, see the good (or at least try) and after stressing out a little bit, move on. I can be counted on to have real moments of panic after a plot change, but I'm equally reliable in pretending that the new plan is better than the old one.

But for some reason, it's been extra tough for me lately. Mostly just this week. That glass has been tap-dancing in front of my face a little too temptingly and I keep finding that while it's definitely still half full, what's inside is bitter, and surprisingly fresh, resentment.

I'm not going to go too in-depth because A.) it's not interesting and B.) I want to delve a little deeper into what it is that's locked in my brain and laced tightly with....hate (seriously) and maybe turn it into something written. Maybe even something publishable. I can't be the only person in the world who cannot let go of bad manuevers. My throughts are so full of this stuff lately, and trust me, there's pages of stuff I need to plow through, it feels better to attack it fully and maybe come to some kind of personal reconcilation.

And you know, maybe because I've never written about it, I haven't let it go and that's why it sits there, in the cup that bounces cheerfully, invitingly, in front of my curious eyes.

Will writing my thoughts down make it go away. No.
Will it make it better? Probably.
Is it worth a try? No doubt.

Briefly, here's where I'm at, here's what I keep telling myself in my somewhat embarrassing conversations with myself, that take place in my car. Um, aloud.

Bottom line: somethings aren't fair. Somethings are crap.
I was taught that cheaters never prosper. People who do bad things lose.
But you know what? That's garbage. Karma suggests that people get what they deserve. Karma either doesn't exist or it ain't doing it's job.

Sometimes, people roundhouse kick others in the face. They step on their friends, their relatives, anyone, to get what they want. And sometimes, they don't lose. Sometimes, actually they win.

It's weird how warm my face can get, thinking about a number of events, most that happened years ago. Arguments that I've had, bad people who have infiltrated my life, and bad people, who've done bad things, who don't lose.
I can feel offended, years later, and burn with angry heat, just thinking about it.
Sometimes I engage myself into false arguments, complete with the phrases and comebacks that I wish I'd been quick enough to evoke at the time. I literally have to tell myself to shut up.

And I don't think I'm crazy. I think I'm still angry.
Actually, no. I don't think: I know. I freakin' know. I'm mad. Still.

I've thought about writing this down for days. Really, I think three full days I've thought about it. I don't know what brought it on, or why I can't stop thinking about several concise events, but I think it's because I've been spending too much time, alone with my thoughts, in my car. I'm finished writing about it here for now, but I will, I am, working on something more succinct. It might never see the light of day, but at least I'll get the words out and maybe the cup with drain finally.

*****
You know what makes me feel a little better?
A fancy-pants manicure.



And baby puppies
Sandy got herself a new little sister last week.
She is not thrilled.




And a little girl, exploding with the excitement of an early birthday present.


"Hey! Hey, Aunt Jenn! Look! Watch me! I'll drive slow so you can take a picture!"

Ham face.

****

Tomorrow's a big day. I'm counting the minutes before it's finally here. I'm so excited about the news that will finally be shared tomorrow. I'm so ready to talk about it.

Look for the two of us to appear tomorrow, with a big, fat, joyful announcement!


See you in 24.

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