Winter Blues

4:11 PM

Today, I started packing for a vacation that is still two weeks away.

I have such a craving for sunshine that, somehow, I feel closer to it if I begin stuffing my favorite short sleeved t-shirts into a suitcase. The flip flops that I haven't seen in months, yeah, they went in there too, because that also felt good.


This weekend, the sun came out, and just in time. I think every year I'm stunned when I am hit with the weight of seasonal blues, but this year feels especially heavy. In the summer, I secretly love rainy days and the excuse to hunker in my house with a cup of tea and all six seasons of Sex and the City, but we're going on day one million and eleven of hunkering from the cold and all the gray is just becoming a little much. To be fair, my personal life is contributing to the weight as well, but mostly it's just the dark that's getting to me.

Spring break can't come soon enough. I need rest from a lot of different things.

A couple of nights ago, Ryan and I went out to dinner and as usual, I talked and he listened. As a quick side note, if you live in the capital area and have never been to Embassy, make your reservations today. Their Lebanese food is out of this world. Anyway, I told him about my day and shared my usual gossip and thoughts and perceptions, and somehow, we got around to my struggles. Ryan is naturally laid back and when I am worked up, he's the person who will always tell me to relax. Always, relax.

This time, however, that's not what he said. When I nervously confessed that I felt pressure, his response was quick and concise. "You should," he said. "You should feel a lot of pressure."

It was as if he asked me where it hurt, and when I showed him, he pressed down on it, thrusting his weight on the pre-existing pressure. Here, have some more.

I hesitate to write this, because I am afraid that I'm representing Ryan poorly. Aggressive is not the man he is, but rather honest and firm and very forthcoming, and this is a situation, a difficult one, he's right. Ryan doesn't say things to hurt, not to me anyway, he says things that need to be said and does so fearlessly, but it's not easy to hear that your hard work isn't enough. I feel like, somehow, I woke up one day and found myself floating in the middle of the ocean with no sense of direction. I started swimming because that's all I knew to do, and for a while I was successful. But now, I can see what I've been looking for and an island isn't far off, but gosh, I'm so tired. Maybe the current is against me, because I see it, and my eyes are on the prize, but for whatever reason, success is out of my control. Maybe even propelling me in the opposite direction. I believe with my whole heart that I will get there, but I've no idea how long I'll have to fight the current.

I'm still having strange dreams. I'm reminded because after my all too articulated ocean metaphor, I might somehow plant that thought into my head too firmly and dream about it tonight. Lately my dreams have been easy to discern. I'm out of control. Two nights ago, I dreamed my car had a flat tire and even though I called a thousand people, nobody came and I was simply stuck on the side of the road, with no control over the situation.

You know how you can fix this? Learn to change a damn tire.

Learn to fight the current.
Learn to take ownership of your challenges. Learn to manipulate them into successes.
Learn to have a thicker skin.

"I hear the birds on a summer breeze. I am alone at midnight. Been trying hard not to get into trouble, but I've got a war in my mind. So, I just ride."  - Lana Del Rey.

This describes my life right now.
Just ride.

***

I'm looking so forward to warm weather. I want to drive at night with Ryan with the windows down. I want to feel the sun on my skin and the way it burns a little. I want to eat ice cream and enjoy coffee outdoors. I want to feel normal again. In the meantime,

I just ride. 






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